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Does your toddler howl with protest if you leave him? Does he cry when others try to hold him, even if it is someone he knows well? Do you sometimes feel as if your baby is a permanent attachment to your body? Can you walk from one room to the other without your toddler clinging to your leg? Does your toddler refuse to have anything to do with anyone else, and cries in protest if you leave him with another caregiver? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you and your toddler aren’t alone.
Somewhere around eight to ten months of age, babies begin to form deeply dependent attachments to their parents. They typically show a preference for one parent over another, also. The other parent shouldn’t take this personally, though. Your child is beginning to understand the meaning of separation, and he just doesn’t like it.
While your toddler understands that you walking away from her means you are leaving her side, she doesn’t understand the concept of time, and she doesn’t realize that you will come back. All she sees is the one person on whom she is so totally dependent leaving her, and she simply can’t bare the separation. She has no interest in socializing with anyone else, only you!
Obviously, some children have a harder time dealing with this social anxiety than others, but most babies go through at least a short period of this type of behavior. How can you help your baby become more social? Well, you can’t do it overnight. You will have to gradually help her understand that you aren’t abandoning her, and that other people can take care of her, too.
If you are your child’s primary caregiver, it is only natural that she prefers you over everyone else. While of course you want to maintain that special bond, you can help your baby overcome her fears, at least somewhat. The other important person in your child’s life is your spouse. It is important that you let him or her take over at least some of the childcare whenever possible. As your child learns that someone else can take care of her, she may not be so emphatic about only having you.
Of course, that still doesn’t solve the separation issue. Since your toddler isn’t able to comprehend the concept of time, you can’t simply tell her when you’ll be back. If you are planning on leaving her for longer periods of time, however, you might gradually work on the separation issues by leaving for short periods of time first. Be sure to leave on a positive note. Smile, laugh, and encourage your baby to do the same. When you do come home, be just as positive. More than likely, after you left, your child survived the separation just fine.
It is a good idea to expose your toddler to different environments, such as the supermarket, a park, your church, the local library, etc. You might want to take him to areas where there are other children. If he still clings to you stubbornly, try not to make a big deal out of his behavior. Instead, calmly go over to the area where the other children are and simply sit down as close to them as you can comfortably get. Eventually, his curiosity may get the best of him, and he may venture closer to the fun.
If he does, again don’t make a big deal out of it. Just smile casually at him. If he comes running back to you, that is alright. He has made the first move, and time will take care of the rest. If you don’t focus on his social anxiety, he may soon learn to leave it behind as he grows and matures.
Finally, keep in mind that your child will typically grow out of a lot of his fears. There will come a day when he will boldly leave your side. One day you may discover that your leaving doesn’t upset him any more. You may even feel a slight tug of regret at the fact that you aren’t his absolute everything anymore. This is only natural, and as you also rejoice at your child’s developing maturity, you can hang on to your fond memories of his babyhood.
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